barbara walters just said penis...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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