i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
