Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
