remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
