Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
