My friends, they love my intelligence
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As shirtless as possible
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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