You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
