Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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