Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
