omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
