I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
