I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
