dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
A bitchslap is in order.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
