There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
