I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
