how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
