I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
