Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
