you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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