in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
