Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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