she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
