my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
