I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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