Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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