now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
