I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize