just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
