if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i don't like sucking hair
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
wow bdsm is so cute
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