I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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