its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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