If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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