Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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