this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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