Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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