I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
