I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
