Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
