I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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