Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
