I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
