Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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