I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
