I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
