A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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