i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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