If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
we're so committed to being not committed
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
