If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
