News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
