How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
