You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
