I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
