I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
