it's like iHOP with fire
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
